Sometimes while practicing Love and Logic techniques we dance around turning into the Manipulator. (you know, like the Terminator... I know. I am all brilliance.) We can border manipulation when we begin to care too much what our child does about things that really aren't in our control OR we attempt to control the outcome instead of allowing our kids experience to learn from their mistakes. Many times this occurs when we are practicing giving lots of choices. We mean well, but for some reason have forgotten that A) Choices work best when practiced at happy times while giving options that won't bother anybody else. And B) Choices can be helpful in guiding a kid through his or her own problem with us being prepared to offer lots of empathy when the kid makes a poor choice. We never give kids choices with the thought of trying to control the outcome. This can lead to frustration and anger...which is kind of the opposite of Love and Logic.
Example: The Manipulator's kid won't go to sleep.
"Do you want to sleep now or not sleep and not have any fun tomorrow?"
Instead of...
"I take kids who are well rested to fun places! See you in the morning!"
Example: The Manipulator's kid won't clean his room.
"Oh wow. Sad (with sarcasm). Are you cleaning this room now or when you are grounded?"
Instead of...
(Parent finds the room still messy) "Oh how sad. What are you going to do? Do you want to hear what some kids have tried? Some kids just take a trash bag and throw all their things away. How would that work for you? No? Some kids hire their moms to clean their rooms. How would that work for you? No? Well, I'm out of ideas. Good luck." Then, the parent prepares for how to handle the problem if the child chooses not to clean his room. Often, charging toys or allowance for cleaning the kids room is an easy fix. You get a few bucks to buy something fun and the room gets clean! Win/win.
Using enforceable statements often help us fight our urge to manipulate. They can be useful tools for solving problems that are not immediately in our control.
How do I know this? Well, what's that phrase? Experience is the best teacher? Is that it? Yep. Yeeep. I have this kid. And she is strong willed and can be pretty defiant. When I first started practicing Love and Logic principles she would pick and choose the choices she would respond to. Instead of calmly choosing for her, it came more natural to me to be angry. So my choices for her began being more...aggressive. I found myself as the Manipulator--trying to get even with her by showing her that I control her with choices instead of patiently and lovingly allowing her to experience what happens to kids who make poor choices. What happened to our relationship when I did this? Um... well... we were enemies, really--constantly battling. But then I learned about ownership of the problem, and I learned that empathy is key to learning. And weight was lifted. Not only did I not feel the need to manipulate, I began to see value in her mistakes. As a natural result, kindness was restored in the relationship, and love and empathy have turned out to bring us closer. Imagine that!
I love this stuff...
Example: The Manipulator's kid won't go to sleep.
"Do you want to sleep now or not sleep and not have any fun tomorrow?"
Instead of...
"I take kids who are well rested to fun places! See you in the morning!"
Example: The Manipulator's kid won't clean his room.
"Oh wow. Sad (with sarcasm). Are you cleaning this room now or when you are grounded?"
Instead of...
(Parent finds the room still messy) "Oh how sad. What are you going to do? Do you want to hear what some kids have tried? Some kids just take a trash bag and throw all their things away. How would that work for you? No? Some kids hire their moms to clean their rooms. How would that work for you? No? Well, I'm out of ideas. Good luck." Then, the parent prepares for how to handle the problem if the child chooses not to clean his room. Often, charging toys or allowance for cleaning the kids room is an easy fix. You get a few bucks to buy something fun and the room gets clean! Win/win.
Example: The Manipulator's kid is at the dinner table, not eating exactly what the Manipulator wants him/her to eat.
"Do you want to eat the broccoli sitting here at the table or out in the car?"
Instead of...
"I give treats to kids who eat healthy at mealtime."
Using enforceable statements often help us fight our urge to manipulate. They can be useful tools for solving problems that are not immediately in our control.
How do I know this? Well, what's that phrase? Experience is the best teacher? Is that it? Yep. Yeeep. I have this kid. And she is strong willed and can be pretty defiant. When I first started practicing Love and Logic principles she would pick and choose the choices she would respond to. Instead of calmly choosing for her, it came more natural to me to be angry. So my choices for her began being more...aggressive. I found myself as the Manipulator--trying to get even with her by showing her that I control her with choices instead of patiently and lovingly allowing her to experience what happens to kids who make poor choices. What happened to our relationship when I did this? Um... well... we were enemies, really--constantly battling. But then I learned about ownership of the problem, and I learned that empathy is key to learning. And weight was lifted. Not only did I not feel the need to manipulate, I began to see value in her mistakes. As a natural result, kindness was restored in the relationship, and love and empathy have turned out to bring us closer. Imagine that!
I love this stuff...
