You're No Fun

Have you noticed that Dr. Cline has often used this phrase when modeling talking to kids? Is this harsh? Is it okay to send this message to our kids?

I've noticed that behind the harsh messages Foster Cline says to the kid, there is a common thread of psychology being modeled: When a kid makes a choice, they are the one who hurts or gains from that choice. He is showing the kid that when they make a choice, they suffer, not us. Now, we all know this is not in fact true. How hard is it to watch your child cry and not be able to fix it. If a kid falls into drugs and loses his or her free agency, do we ache for them? Yes. Do we suffer? Well, yes. But the if the kid is focused on our suffering, what is he or she doing to solve his or her problem? When we show that we are the ones suffering for our child's poor choice, then the kid's problem appears to be our problem.

If we want our kids to be able to solve all the things life can throw at them when we are not around, we need to send this message to them: When you do this, it doesn't make me suffer, it makes YOU suffer.

Any thoughts?

Can a 5 Year Handle Disappointment?

YES! One afternoon I found myself running an errand with just one child. Amazing.

The end.

Just kidding. There's more. Eden, my kindergartener, has been learning that her money is what she uses to buy things she wants. But like most parents, I wasn't sure if she really... you know...got it.

One afternoon we were driving to the store. She had taken her folder out of her backpack. She pulled out all the flyers and handed one to me, asking what it was. As I quickly perused the document for a price on the activity and didn't find one, I proceeded incautiously to excitedly relate the details. "Oh Eden, this looks fun! It's water sports--like water fights at school. But you get to play sports and get wet in your clothes! It looks like it starts in a few days."

Eden: "Mom, that sounds fun! Can I do it?! I could really love to play in the water at school!"

Me: (finally seeing the tiny little brackets where they had listed the price, and realizing the absurdity of the price and feeling like I wasn't prepared to discuss why I couldn't pay for the class) "Oh Eden. This class costs $60 dollars."

Before I could go on, Eden exclaims, "60 dollars! I don't have 60 dollars!"

My jaw dropped...and then a smile took its place. She wasn't looking at me, though. She was thinking as we were walking into the store. I remembered to offer some sincere empathy. "Oh Eden. It's so hard when we don't have the money for things we want."

She continues, "How about we do something else, like ..."

Me: "Play water sports at a park with our own squirt guns?!!"

Eden: "Yeah! Or how about we just go swimming!"

Even better. How about swimming?!! You better believe it! Free. All the water you can handle. Yep, looks like she can handle her own disappointment. She didn't just handle it. She kicked it's ugly hiney.