On The Border

Sometimes while practicing Love and Logic techniques we dance around turning into the Manipulator.  (you know, like the Terminator... I know. I am all brilliance.) We can border manipulation when we begin to care too much what our child does about things that really aren't in our control OR we attempt to control the outcome instead of allowing our kids experience to learn from their mistakes. Many times this occurs when we are practicing giving lots of choices. We mean well, but for some reason have forgotten that A) Choices work best when practiced at happy times while giving options that won't bother anybody else. And B) Choices can be helpful in guiding a kid through his or her own problem with us being prepared to offer lots of empathy when the kid makes a poor choice. We never give kids choices with the thought of trying to control the outcome. This can lead to frustration and anger...which is kind of the opposite of Love and Logic.

Example: The Manipulator's kid won't go to sleep.
"Do you want to sleep now or not sleep and not have any fun tomorrow?"
Instead of...
"I take kids who are well rested to fun places! See you in the morning!"

Example: The Manipulator's kid won't clean his room.
"Oh wow. Sad (with sarcasm). Are you cleaning this room now or when you are grounded?"
Instead of...
(Parent finds the room still messy) "Oh how sad. What are you going to do? Do you want to hear what some kids have tried? Some kids just take a trash bag and throw all their things away. How would that work for you? No? Some kids hire their moms to clean their rooms. How would that work for you?  No? Well, I'm out of ideas. Good luck." Then, the parent prepares for how to handle the problem if the child chooses not to clean his room. Often, charging toys or allowance for cleaning the kids room is an easy fix. You get a few bucks to buy something fun and the room gets clean! Win/win.

Example: The Manipulator's kid is at the dinner table, not eating exactly what the Manipulator wants him/her to eat. 

"Do you want to eat the broccoli sitting here at the table or out in the car?"

Instead of...

"I give treats to kids who eat healthy at mealtime." 

Using enforceable statements often help us fight our urge to manipulate. They can be useful tools for solving problems that are not immediately in our control.

How do I know this? Well, what's that phrase? Experience is the best teacher? Is that it? Yep. Yeeep.  I have this kid. And she is strong willed and can be pretty defiant. When I first started practicing Love and Logic principles she would pick and choose the choices she would respond to.  Instead of calmly choosing for her, it came more natural to me to be angry. So my choices for her began being more...aggressive. I found myself as the Manipulator--trying to get even with her by showing her that I control her with choices instead of patiently and lovingly allowing her to experience what happens to kids who make poor choices. What happened to our relationship when I did this? Um... well... we were enemies, really--constantly battling. But then I learned about ownership of the problem, and I learned that empathy is key to learning. And weight was lifted. Not only did I not feel the need to manipulate, I began to see value in her mistakes. As a natural result, kindness was restored in the relationship, and love and empathy have turned out to bring us closer. Imagine that!

I love this stuff...

Parenting Explicatives

This is what I said to my middle child today: "I'd be happy to spank you if you want me to!"

Yep. I actually sent the message that I would enjoy spanking my kid! How sad!!! How is it that when I feel like the sayings and responses taught to me in the Love and Logic curriculum are second nature, there ALWAYS arises a moment to show me that somewhere in there is a cranky...terrible mother--not exactly the model I want my kids to follow.

What can kids learn when we crack? Well, there are two scenarios. We can crack and pretend that never happened (and usually this leads to continual cracking) or we can crack and then mend. We always have a choice. The good news is I can ALWAYS apologize for the times when Mr. Hyde (or in my case, Mrs.) makes an appearance.

"Remember when I told you that I would be happy to spank you? It's not true. I would feel very bad. I'm so sorry for saying that to you. Can you forgive me?"

"Yes Mama. Let's try again."

Ah, yes. Let's try this again.

There Mrs. Hyde...back in your closet.

You're No Fun

Have you noticed that Dr. Cline has often used this phrase when modeling talking to kids? Is this harsh? Is it okay to send this message to our kids?

I've noticed that behind the harsh messages Foster Cline says to the kid, there is a common thread of psychology being modeled: When a kid makes a choice, they are the one who hurts or gains from that choice. He is showing the kid that when they make a choice, they suffer, not us. Now, we all know this is not in fact true. How hard is it to watch your child cry and not be able to fix it. If a kid falls into drugs and loses his or her free agency, do we ache for them? Yes. Do we suffer? Well, yes. But the if the kid is focused on our suffering, what is he or she doing to solve his or her problem? When we show that we are the ones suffering for our child's poor choice, then the kid's problem appears to be our problem.

If we want our kids to be able to solve all the things life can throw at them when we are not around, we need to send this message to them: When you do this, it doesn't make me suffer, it makes YOU suffer.

Any thoughts?

Can a 5 Year Handle Disappointment?

YES! One afternoon I found myself running an errand with just one child. Amazing.

The end.

Just kidding. There's more. Eden, my kindergartener, has been learning that her money is what she uses to buy things she wants. But like most parents, I wasn't sure if she really... you know...got it.

One afternoon we were driving to the store. She had taken her folder out of her backpack. She pulled out all the flyers and handed one to me, asking what it was. As I quickly perused the document for a price on the activity and didn't find one, I proceeded incautiously to excitedly relate the details. "Oh Eden, this looks fun! It's water sports--like water fights at school. But you get to play sports and get wet in your clothes! It looks like it starts in a few days."

Eden: "Mom, that sounds fun! Can I do it?! I could really love to play in the water at school!"

Me: (finally seeing the tiny little brackets where they had listed the price, and realizing the absurdity of the price and feeling like I wasn't prepared to discuss why I couldn't pay for the class) "Oh Eden. This class costs $60 dollars."

Before I could go on, Eden exclaims, "60 dollars! I don't have 60 dollars!"

My jaw dropped...and then a smile took its place. She wasn't looking at me, though. She was thinking as we were walking into the store. I remembered to offer some sincere empathy. "Oh Eden. It's so hard when we don't have the money for things we want."

She continues, "How about we do something else, like ..."

Me: "Play water sports at a park with our own squirt guns?!!"

Eden: "Yeah! Or how about we just go swimming!"

Even better. How about swimming?!! You better believe it! Free. All the water you can handle. Yep, looks like she can handle her own disappointment. She didn't just handle it. She kicked it's ugly hiney.